Goodbye
by ToxicGalaxy
Summary: WARNING: SUICIDE/character death. Spike can't live without her existing in his world. So he decides to try to going to hers. Spike/Buffy. One shot. No flames, please.


It had been too long without her. Her scent, her touch...he even missed her punches. He didn't care if she came back hating him as long as she came back. He couldn't handle knowing that she didn't exist anymore, that her body was rotting in the ground like some common human. She wasn't common, and her powers were definitely beyond human. She was extraordinary and beautiful, his golden goddess. When he saw her tumble off that tower he couldn't breathe. Seeing her lying on the ground, crumpled and still, broke his non-beating heart.

He had volunteered to go on his own that night for patrol. He told them to take a break and relax, go see a show. He hugged Dawn and before he left, muttered "I love you, please be careful" into her ear. She looked at him oddly and asked what that was supposed to mean, and he just told her he was worrying like always. She smiled and said she'd see him later, and as he turned to walk out the door for the last time, he gave her a sad smirk and gently shut the door. He felt horrible for doing this to her, but he couldn't handle the pain any more.

He walked through the cemetery carrying a bag from the local liquor store and humming softly, and finally found himself in front of the hidden resting spot of his angel. He wished he'd have just done this the day she died. He could have gone out holding her, instead of merely being close to her grave. He settled in, Indian style, in front of her stone. He ran his pale fingers along the words, tracing them, as a few silent tears ran down his face.

"I love you so much Buffy..." he whispered, as he brought out a large bottle of Jack Daniels. It was gone in minutes, and he quickly worked through the rest of the contents of the bag. "I didn't get enough." he mumbled, slightly slurred. He turned around and rested against the stone, feeling it's rough texture through his shirt. He'd left his duster at the house, in case the Bit wanted it. She was the only person left that cared about him. Everyone else hated him, or at the best, tolerated him. He sat there for hours, thinking. All he wanted was release, and it seemed like the waiting lasted forever.

He eventually felt a prickling on his senses, it was almost time. He sighed and wiped his eyes, bringing out a picture and and envelope from his jeans pocket. He laid the letter against her stone as he scooted down and laid on his back, holding her picture in front of his face. He studied her, etching her face into his memory, and hoped he'd be granted some sort of reprieve in the afterlife. Even if he only got to see her for a moment before he was sent to hell, it would be all he needed. One more time.

He soon felt a panic spread through his mind, a natural survival instinct, and fought the urge to run to the darkness. He stared at her face as the sun hit his skin and burnt his flesh from his body, his existence crumbling into dust along with the picture he clung to.

It took 2 days for them to finally check Buffy's grave, and when they did they found the letter. Dawn recognized the handwriting on the front and her eyes flew to the ground, realizing that the little bit of dust that was left was her friend, Spike. She collapsed crying, her world crashing in on her once again. Xander looked uncomfortable, conflicted between his hate of Spike and the fact that he had just been proved wrong- Spike did actually love Buffy. Or at least cared enough to not want to exist without her. Willow sniffled, and opened the envelope. She told Xander to go home and get a jar quick so they could have Spike's ashes, and knelt down to Dawn's side, holding her as she read the letter out loud.

_Little Bit,_

_I'm sorry for leaving like this, Dawn. You know I love you. You're like my little sister. You're my best friend. But I can't go on without her, she was my heart. She was the one, Bit. I know this is selfish, that I'm hurting you even more and I promised Buffy I'd look after you, but you're strong just like her. You have Willow, Xander, Tara, Giles...you don't need me. I'd end up hurting you and everyone else in the end, without her to keep me in line. This is what I want. Maybe the Powers That Be will do something good for once and give me a break, let me be around her, at least let me see her. I'll be at peace, Dawn. For the first time in my existence, really._

_Do what I'm not strong enough to do. Move on, go on living. Don't let the death of your mum, Buffy, and especially my own, stop you from experiencing the great things in this world. We're all happy now. Finished. Especially Buffy and I. She died to save the world and you, Bit. She wanted it that way. And I want this, too. These are OUR decisions. Buffy's death wasn't your fault, and there was nothing anyone could have done to save me either. Nothing short of her coming back to life, without any bumpies._

_I'm rambling now, so I'll finish up..._

_Xander: Don't be such an ass. Protect all the girls. Listen to demon girl a little more, she's been around for a thousand years. She's got a lot of knowledge that you'd be wise to look into when you're facing something ugly._

_Willow: Watch out with that magic of yours. I've been noticing how dependent you are on it. It always has consequences, Red. Always. Don't do anything you aren't sure of, because with the power you are capable of...it could take you over easily. There are covens for people like you. Ask Rupert about it. It'd be good for you._

_Tara: Stand up for yourself a little more, yeah? You're smart and your instincts are strong. Don't let people push your opinions aside. You have the most sense of the whole group._

_And someone tell Angel not to be such a poofter. Also, that I've been looking into souls lately. If he's so worried about losing it and going all snarly again, he should start researching demon trials and legends in Africa. I haven't quite got all the info, but...there's something there. I was looking into it for Buffy...but now...well, obviously it isn't needed._

_And remember, Bit, I love you. Be strong, and stay away from vampires, demons, drugs, smokes, cars, planes, weapons of any kind... I don't want to hear anything about you coming for a visit wherever I end up, yeah? Oh, and make sure Xander (or hell, Red's pretty scary sometimes too...) threatens any guy that gets near you. Makes sure they're scared enough that they won't dare hurt you. Or, If you're up for it, I hear joining the Convent is pretty fun._

_Goodbye luv,  
-Spike_

The gang gathered his ashes when Xander returned, and held a small service to bury him next to Buffy 2 weeks later. Even Angel came for it. Drusilla showed up uninvited, swaying and talking of her William being surrounded by light. Angel took her by the arms and dragged her off somewhere, but Dawn was glad she came. She comforted by the crazy brunette's ramblings, hoping they were true and that Spike finally got the peace he wanted with Buffy.

As the group was walking back to what was now Dawn's house after the service, a car blaring 'God Save the Queen' rumbled by, and not one of the Scoobies could resist the smirk creeping onto their faces.

_  
Author's Note:  
I'm not too happy with this one. It doesn't sound good to me when I read it. But eh, whatever. Someone might enjoy it. No flames, please.

Also, I own nothing. I WISH I owned Spike, but I don't (  
They're all from Joss Whedon's incredible mind. And I don't own The Sex Pistols or their song God Save The Queen, either.


End file.
